Thinking of you...

The holidays are tough for everyone. They’re especially tough for those struggling with an estranged family or PTSD, or both. Brainstorming the best way to reach out to those falling into the above categories has me searching endlessly for answers. I am by no means an expert but feel pretty well rounded on the topic and hope what follows helps, even if just a little.

Finding normalcy takes a really strong person. I’m not talking about normal, because I reject any sort of label, I’m talking about your individual normalcy. Your contentment and happiness are the most important aspects of your life, your normal. With the loaming reminders of what has you feeling melancholy around the holidays it’s important to reflect on who you are and what makes you smile. Whether it’s painting a masterpiece or confronting a longtime fear, we all share a desire to find contentment.

I had a pretty rough day and struggle to find peace. Still, I can’t let setbacks detour me from who I am or what I’m trying to achieve. There is no way I’d be here today if I let the small things get in the way of the big picture. After all, we’re only here for a short time. Who knows what’s beyond life. We all have our beliefs but none of us “know”, so it seems logical to embrace the here and now. To love, appreciate the small things, give and have hope. Is there anything else more important? I don’t believe there is.

While I could list a bunch of sources to seek help, I think it’s more important to remind you how much you’re loved. Even in your lowest point, you are always loved. I love you, but I doubt I’m the only one. When we get down it’s hard to see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. Yet it’s our responsibility to remain strong and seek help when we need it. Whether you write, paint or mix records… happiness is in arms reach. If you feel none of this makes sense, I beg you to reach out to me.

We are just one star in the galaxy. A tiny little planet struggling to feel connected. What’s ironic is that we all make up the whole of this planet and each of us are vital to the survival of the future, yet we still feel so distant from one another. We are all connected. We all share the present moment in this life. The one thing we tend to overlook is the exact thing that gives us peace.

I share your smiles and your tears. We all do.

You are never alone. Please reach out to me if you need. This blog is for you as much as it is for me.

Stay strong and smile. It really is worth it.

Love always,

Jamie

Thank You

The moment you accept what you’ve tried to avoid, is the moment you begin to grieve. When you’ve accepted your grief, you begin to see hope. When you begin to see hope, you can give your heart in its purest form. Never lose hope and always see love.

I’m truly taken back by the enormous amount of love and support I’ve received from friends and readers. You inspire me to remember my compassionate nature. You remind me that I’m not alone, that we are all never alone. Suffering can blind your soul from love. Yet I believe a person needs to love in order to live free. Love for yourself and love for everyone else. We all have strength, but we’re a hell of a lot stronger together.

Thank you for sharing your strength. 

Love and happiness,

~Jamie

What is PTSD?

Loss of Femininity vs. Fear

Today was rough. I see through clearer lenses but lack acceptance. It’s standard military culture to brush off your demons like they don’t exist. We’re trained to believe our injuries aren’t really there. Not by some military manual, by the way we treat the idea of a free world. That at all costs our “duty” is to keep fighting against any sort of defeat. Turn the war channel off and you’re just like every other citizen but with a hypervigilant sense of reality. The fight is gone, so what’s left, flight?

There is no question that the war changed me. Understanding how has been the toughest war I’ve had to fight. My childhood no doubt plays a role in all this as more and more studies are connecting the dots between past trauma, war and PTSD.

I used to be like every other girl out there who enjoyed shopping with her girlfriends. Like men get together and do what ever it is they do, women get together to be girls. To find the perfect outfit and have your best friend excited about it more than you are, is just what we girls do. Or in my case, “did” as it’s now a thing of my past. The idea of going to the mall makes me shrink. I figured it was due to my change in view regarding commodities and the wastefulness of our free world, or that I somehow lost a part of my femininity. It was disheartening enough to feel less feminine, add the real reason and it’s even harder to digest. What really makes this female fun time now a daunting task is actually fear.

Crowded places make me extremely uneasy. I can’t stand someone walking behind me and have to quickly maneuver myself so as to be last in line. I hide this as best as I possibly can in front of friends. I’ll now go into a store and get the hell out as quickly as possible. My heart will race and I’ll start sweating if I force myself. I can’t go to family functions because they’re too crowded with people I don’t relate to. This uneasiness has grown worse with time. Today I learned why. Crowded places generate fear, fear of things that seem silly to most. Fear that everyone and everything is a potential danger, fear that turns on my lizard brain without me realizing it.

This all came to light when I was “forced” to stay in a store for an hour as part of my exposure therapy program. With exposure therapy you’re intentionally pushed past your comfort zone in an effort to move past the fear. I had no idea this affected me like it did until I felt I was being forced to do what endangered me. I started to panic and proceeded to take “flight”. I couldn’t stay in the store for more than 15 minutes. Taking a step back to understand this leaves me extremely confused and judgmental. How could I let this happen to me? Why can’t I shake this ridiculous fear?  I’m weak!

"You cannot change what you have not named, and you cannot name what you have not observed", unknown. I’m hopeful that this new understanding will guide me to acceptance. It doesn’t matter how many doctors diagnose me with PTSD (three so far), I still have a really hard time accepting it, validating it, validating myself. My resilience helps me remain hopeful and adamant on finding my new normal. I’m glad this all came into view today, now I just need to keep fighting and not flighting.

Until next time…

Courage - Keep fighting the good fight

I struggle to keep writing in this blog. While I have received positive feedback, I have also received cold shoulders. Getting sad or putting myself down due to unsettling feedback is non-sense. If I stopped being who I am by hiding my experiences, I’d be completely lost. I refuse to keep my mouth shut for the sake of someone else’s sheltered conformity.

My first week in the 12 week Journey’s program at the VA was pretty tough. Still apprehensive on whether this trauma focused program will do what I need it to:overcome. It’s more apparent now that many of my quirks and bad traits are a result of my past traumas. I’m doing my best to force smiles but I fear many can see through them. The courage that got me this far is tapping my shoulder to remind me why I’m writing in the first place. I’m writing with the intent to help others find their courage, and to continue finding mine.

I’ve decided I’m going to share my experience in the 12 week trauma focused Journey’s program here on my blog. So far my notes consist of tools to keep me grounded.

Week One Notes/Tools:

*Pay attention to internal and external observations.

*Stop judging your emotions

*TIP Skills for interpreting anxiety mind

Temperature (cold water/ice on your eyes invokes a divers response and slows your heart rate).

Intense Exercise – (I miss running and working out more than I ever thought I would. Don’t take things for granted)

Paced breathing (put your diaphragm into it)

*Growing up in an unsupportive environment with traumas will exaggerate your Monkey Mind (lizard brain).

*Mindfulness Skills:

            -Observe (be like teflon and let it slide off)

            -Describe (put words on the experience)

            -Participate (become one with the experience)

*Depression is a mood; sadness is the emotion

*Judging – can be good and bad; using either can flaw the reality you see re: the thing being judged.

When you’re not living in the present, you’re missing out on life. Live in the moment!

             *Acknowledge your accomplishments

5 Choices to react to a situation:

            1) Change the situation (interpersonal skills)

            2) Change how you feel (emotion regulation)

            3) Radical Acceptance (accept rather than approving or liking)

            4) Stay Miserable (complaining and ruminating)

            5) Make things worse

*A group member referred to their PTSD as The Hulk, “lil green monster”– this gave me a good chuckle.

The core of this trauma-focused program is judgment:

            *Less judgment = more success

            * Stick to the FACTS = less judgment = less hyperarousal = win

*Dear Man is a concept on how to see situations in a better light:

             Describe – ONLY facts

             Express – how “I” feel

             Assert – what you want or say NO

             Reinforce – pat on the back, rewards

             Mindful – focus on your goals and maintain your position, don’t get

              distracted,  don’t get off topic

             Appear Confident – use confident voice and stay in the present

             Negotiate – be willing to give to get

The notes for week one don’t stop here, but I wanted to highlight the top discussions. These tools can be useful for everyday life. As I continue writing, I’ll do my best to keep this blog interesting and informative. Please don’t be shy if you would like me to elaborate personally.

Keep fighting the good fight, while smiling!

Thanks again for reading! Until next time…

The Army, the VA and My Life

A lot of friends have asked what is going on with the VA/Army. It’s hard to explain but I’ll do my best here.

There are two separate entities I’m battling with, the Army and the VA. I gave over 10 years of distinguished service to the Army. Upon returning from Iraq I started to show signs of PTSD. In November of last year I snapped and I call this the major onset of PTSD. It sent me into a constant state of hyperarousal and I “lost it” during an Army drill weekend. All parties determined I shouldn’t go to drills due to this. As such, I requested a medical evaluation board (MEB) this past summer. I’m still waiting to hear when my MEB will take place. The MEB will determine if I’m “fit for duty” to keep serving. Unfortunately, I am not. Being around the military sends me into all kinds of panic, aka triggers. This is documented at the VA. In the meantime, I have requested various forms of help from the Army. Last night I received an email that said: NO!; on all accounts that the Army will not be helping me over this hurdle and I should start going back to drills. Still no word on my MEB.

While all that is going on I continue to be aggressive in seeking treatment at the VA. Dealing with the VA is in itself two separate entities: one is for treatment and the other for compensation. I started seeing the VA for my back pain within 4 months of coming home and mental health within 6 months of coming home. It took two years for the VA to do anything significant about my back and at least a year to be diagnosed with PTSD. I filed my VA compensation claim as soon as I noticed my work performance was diminishing and I realized I did in fact suffer from PTSD. Well, that was several months ago. The VA didn’t look at my file until November (six months after I filed). This whole time I’ve been proactive in “getting help”. Still, my symptoms have worsened and I’ve struggled to maintain any form of normalcy.

So, not only is the Army fighting against me, the VA has dragged their feet. I’m fighting two wars, one with the Army and one with the VA. Although, recent efforts look promising for the processing of my claim with the VA, so I remain hopeful. Fingers crossed.

The War At Home is in full swing but I carry on as much as I possibly can. I’ve isolated myself more and more and find my symptoms getting worse. I stopped being a drunk early this year and have taken various steps to stay healthy. I’ve been aggressive and resilient in learning this new normal but have been fighting the war alone. These are the things I’m up against: lack of any help with the Army, the VA waiting too long to give me proper care, and waiting many moons to receive any financial help from the VA.

Hope this helped ease the confusion. As always, thanks for reading!

<3 Jamie

Relating to Vietnam Veterans

It’s imperative for an artist to review other works to gauge an understanding of their own visual expression. With that in mind, I have been researching nonstop and just can’t seem to find enough material regarding the affects of war. I’m a sponge if I find something I relate to. A friend introduced me to the movie Born On The Fourth of July (1989),  which tells the story of a disabled Vietnam Veteran. While I may have seen it in the past I never soaked it in, likely due to a lack of an empathetic bond. Well, my eyes and heart were glued to the TV. Vietnam is similar to OIF/OEF with corruption and a general lack of necessary care for our Veterans, yet complete opposite (for some) in terms of the combat experience. It was humbling to be able to relate to the pain and corruption represented in the movie. I was thinking that a veteran must’ve written the script because no one else could depict the agony like it did. As it turns Ron Kovic, a veteran, wrote the book. I ordered the Kindle version immediately.

Mr. Kovic saw and felt unimaginable horror during and after Vietnam. My war experience can’t be compared to such pain, can it? He ended up paralyzed and saw things that I could not bare to see. He was treated in horrific hospital conditions.  So unalike, but so familiar… For ease of understanding I decided to make a list and abbreviate long-winded explanations of some similar views and experiences between Mr. Kovic and myself:

·      Re-experiencing the war at home, aka flashbacks

·      Not understanding how the war was corrupt until I got shit on which lead to my wake-up call

·      Realizing it’s a rich man’s war and we’re all disposable

·      Longing to feel normal

·      Resilient in the wrong ways (hiding from my pain with booze)

·      How my injury setbacks killed my resiliency

·      Visions of myself during a happier time and longing to get back there

o   Physical and mental

·      How my empathetic nature and will to do good was put on the backburner due to my injuries

·      ANGER – “I deserve to be treated like a human being”

·      Lost patience (want my normal back right the F’ NOW) making me angrier

·      The inability to ask for help – confusion over pride

·      Old photos of happier times are unbearable to look at

·      People assume you’re less intelligent due to memory loss, hypervigilance, etc.

·      Countless sacrifices didn’t have to be made; Saddam & Osama could have been dealt with in a much less costly way

·      “I served my government… they just want to keep taking… how could we win in a situation like that”?

·      Friends/family ignoring war discussions, in turn caused me to isolate even more

·      Loud noises… they all sound like gunfire (fear of the very holiday that celebrates our independence/freedoms because of the noise)

·      Don’t want to be pitied; just want people to “try” to understand and give a little compassion

·      The joy I feel when I’m around other Veterans/family members of Veterans – they just get it

·      I don’t feel like me anymore…

·      Feel like I failed because I got injured

·      “I’d give anything to feel whole again”

This list really doesn’t scratch the surface, but a more thorough observation is better served in a book, not a blog.

The Vietnam veterans are just NOW getting help (WTF). Now, while all the recent vets are coming home for help… The government didn’t plan this out well, did they? I’m limited on what I can say here…

It’s humbling and depressing to be able to relate so much with this movie. Sometimes the wounds only sting when you’re reminded of them. But they won’t heal unless you face what you think you can’t.

To all past, present and future Veterans: We must take a stand. Nothing is going to change unless we do.

Yours Truly

Procrastination or Anxiety? Likely a lot of both.

Tonight I should be diligently going through my journal from Iraq to produce “evidence” of my trauma from war. The evidence is for my VA claim. I feel as if there are two people living inside me. One says, “read the journal and knock this shit out”. The other, “I need a beer, to paint, a cigarette, run to Target, …”.  I’m pondering whether my anxiety mind is wining as I’m writing this post. Thus far I haven’t had a cigarette or a beer, but I am writing, even if it’s not the writing I NEED to do.

I feel as if my mind isn’t strong enough to read the journal yet, so I’ll write in my blog with hopes of getting through it in the near future. Actually, why don’t I post a couple journal entries here to knock out two (fake) birds with one stone?

17NOV2010 2145

As I get ready to crawl into bed, brushing my hair, I hear the dreadful alarm, “Incoming, incoming, incoming”; then the siren, then the C-RAM. I think again of what I might do if a mortar hits my CHU. Then I hear the loud bang (or pop) of the mortar going off. Was it the mortar, or the C-RAM hitting the mortar? The announcement goes off again, “there has been an indirect fire attack, I say again, there has been an indirect fire attack, remain under cover, remain under cover… command post out”. The announcement goes off several times.

BREAK

I’m now sobbing as I relive the fear… I check FB as a distraction and find myself responding to a friend re: their struggle with all this shit. What I say actually helps me: “Keep smiling sweetie, even if you have to force it”. As a woman of my own present words, I decide to force a smile on my face. I start to giggle at how ridiculous but necessary this all is.

02DEC2010 2300

Another sleepless night… The difficulty to this whole war game isn’t just the mortars or attacks, but also keeping your mind in check and distracted from the freedoms you miss. If you let the thoughts of enjoying your friends while sitting by a bonfire drinking a beer take hold of your mind, you will allow your weakness to take control. Embracing the experience and being strong enough to know it is only a matter of time before the tides change, is the true measure of your courage. Knowing your place here, and your place in the free world,… will change you.

BREAK

C-RAM

 

Okay, back to “real” work. *wink*

Thanks again for reading my blog. Stay tuned!

60 Minutes Special - The War Within: Treating PTSD

ATTENTION ALL VETERANS and Friends and Family members of Veterans - PLEASE take the time to watch/read this. It will be well worth your time.

It explains what I have been unable to say to those close to me. Also, I'm starting the same program on December 9th. 

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/the-war-within-treating-ptsd/

There are a lot of great resources in here too!

I'm here if anyone needs to chat. Keep your head up. Mindfulness can help put things into perspective and may even help you feel better. Practice makes almost perfect and almost perfect is a far cry from where some are at.

 

Loves,

Jamie

Iraq Journal Entires: Around Thanksgiving 2010

Going to war gave me many things to write about. The most intimate writing happened while I was lying on my bed in my wonderful containerized house unit (chu). I was lucky to have a chu and all that fit in it. I had a bed with a mattress, a TV, a microwave, and a little fridge. I was living it up. What follows are journal entries I wrote while in my chu around Thanksgiving 2010.

                        Inside                                                  Outside          

12NOV2012 2100

            I’m so emotional. For as long as I can remember I have been the quiet observer. The one who sits back feeling incredibly self-conscious and wonders what everyone thinks about me. This is a very unfortunate trait. Uncomfortable in my surroundings because I lack self-confidence; it’s hard to wrap my mind around it. At times I have been unordinarlly motivated and ambitious. Yet at the same time I question my value and hide behind a pseudo personality of who I want to represent. My personality shifts with the environment I’m in. It’s quite rare for people to be able to break my shell to where I'm able to let them in. Those who have, never leave my heart. Unless of course, I've been wronged. In which I case I struggle to tame the stinger of my Scorpio personality.

            As a child, I can’t recall anyone in particular who has been able to conquer such a mountain. In fact, the memories I have are of people who had the opposite effect on my character. This could largely be because I was so distant from the world. So eager to be loved, but so afraid to seek it; perhaps it was the eagerness that instilled fear. Fear that I never was, and never would be, equal. Fear that I was destined to be secluded from love. So much so that I would sit with a group of kids and envy their every thought and purpose. Why they were so much more than I could ever be wasn’t a question back then. It was envy. I accepted the lack of guidance, the worthless person I was. Yet, I still wondered what it would be like to feel more. To have a better understanding of what a family meant. I never understood why my friend's parents put so much effort into what they did. I mean, why would they care how school was, what they ate for lunch or did in gym class? Was the importance of these activities given more thought because their children were just naturally better people, better eggs? I was sure I was a bad egg and maybe the voice of bad eggs wasn’t important enough for anyone to pay attention to.

            While I felt this through much of my childhood, I eventually grew into a more resentful person. The first time I realized I could stick up for myself, that I wasn’t just a punching bag, my world changed. Rather than be the punching bag, I could be the one throwing the punches.

                                          12NOV2010 2030

            The announcement, with the distinctive male voice “Incoming, Incoming, Incoming”, halts every thought, emotion and feeing. I stay frozen, knowing there is nothing I can do. If a mortar hits my chu, it will hit. Better yet, if it’s my time, it’s my time –it just is. Fear races through my mind. I jump to the corner of my bed squeezing my teddy as the loud roaring sound of the C-RAM goes off. Hoping that it hits the mortar before it blows within proximity of my chu. The sound, I will never forget. It’s like a giant chain saw roaring right outside my chu. Tears form, I squeeze my teddy harder. As if I had my ruby slippers… more tears form. I don’t want to feel this place, this war anymore!

       

           Another announcement, which I can barely make out, is telling all personnel to stay away from XX Pod in H6 housing. I can’t make out which pod it is… I live in H6 housing.

  14NOV2010 2100

            So many things are racing through my mind. None of which seem to be gaining distance on the other. As I try to convince myself to drink some more NyQuil and end this emotionally draining day, I’m also trying to convince myself to stay awake so I don’t have to repeat it all over again.

            I question, now more than ever, the validity of why men rule this military world. Women are packed with sensitivity, care, and love for so many things. Men are content with simplicity and their ego induced personas. As a woman it becomes so much more trying to put emotion and passion on the back burner. Yet, for men, contentment seems to be all they need. That and their ego filled competitive values. That is exactly what you get when you put so many men together… a simple task where each try to show the other up to see who comes out ahead. Once the score is settled, all is normal.

            Now, take this world, ego drunken atmosphere, and add a formidable female and nothing is simple or content. Rather, it creates havoc. Men don’t know how to act around women, especially if she is intelligent and beautiful. Some try to undermine her character so as to try to prove they are better and stronger. Others try to show up their fellow men to appear dominant. Some try to dominate her. The ones who don’t have a clue, simply act like children and do childish things. All of this is especially challenging to live in. I crave good unbiased conversation but they are few and far between. I try to understand why it is so difficult for men to have conversations about real things and true feelings. Of course not all men are like this. However, when you have so many men in one place or environment, real conversations involving real feelings is very remote or null. “Real” men know that it's okay to show emotions. Because they are smart enough to realize that a human mind needs more than contentment and competition. The mind needs compassion, understanding, and acceptance. Neither of which are commonly found in a war zone.

Don't Wait to Find Your Normal!

My close friends will tell you that I’ve busted my ass trying to get my life back, or get back to the normal I understood prior to Iraq. I started seeing a shrink within two months of coming home. Within those two months I had successfully spent more days at the bottom of a classy whiskey bottle than not. After several months of writing over a hundred resumes I had finally found a job. At this point drinking had become my medication. I could bust my ass all day at work because I knew I had a smooth glass of Templeton waiting for me at home. It seemed to be working. Friends tried to talk to me about it, but I just didn’t see it. To me, I was doing just fine.

About a year and a half after returning home I snapped; partially due to a crushing breakup, but mostly due to a lifetime of trauma. This is what I refer to as the onset of PTSD. While I had symptoms prior to this (flashbacks, hyperarousal, avoidance, etc.) they were usually masked with booze. During the “onset” I began to lose hope in any and everything. All I saw was a cruel world and I was in physical and emotional agonizing pain. I couldn’t focus. My mind turned into a cyclone of endless thoughts of sadness. The world became dark. *Not sure I’m ready to dive into that.

A year after the onset I had stopped drinking, stopped smoking, stopped trying to hide my problems and admit that life wasn’t peachy. With that grew more hurt and pain. I began to isolate myself, feeling very alone and angry. How could a person go through so much fucking pain and just bury it without eventually snapping? This is the current world I’m climbing out of.

I’ve been fighting through all my sadness, confusion, anxiety, and rage by constantly seeking innovative ways to “get better”. Books, holistic, EMDR, DBT, you name it. It took two years and a serious demand to finally see an othro surgeon for my back. After surgery I’m excited to be feeling 80-90% better. Still, that was two years of being in and out of excruciating back pain. Now, I’m going to start a 12 week outpatient program that focuses on intensive cognitive therapy of sorts. Where you face your demons in an effort to move past them. I have endless conflicting emotions about this:

1)   The last time I did this it was for 3 wks. Worked wonders but everyone just assumed it was because I was a drunk, not because I was suffering from serious depression and PTSD. STIGMA ruined any gains.

2)   I fight feeling “crazy”. “I don’t belong on the short bus, WTF am I doing!!?”

3)   I have to face the fact that I need to continue to bust my ass to find “normal”.

I filed my VA claim on May 7, 2013. Mind you, it took me two years to file the claim out of pride. This only hurt me further. It’s been 6 months and no word in sight re: my claim.  I’ve been out of work due to this for months now… What angers me is that I filed my claim to get help, not a hand out. I need the benefits now so that I can get better and NOT need the benefits later! Unfortunately, that’s not how the system works.

The main point I wanted to address here is that I had to demand help. The military sure as hell isn’t going to help you re: medical care, and if you want help at the VA you eventually learn the only way you get there is by putting your foot down and demanding it. The only way a veteran is going to get help is if they actively seek it on their behalf. They REALLY must WANT to get help and be proactive and resilient. The longer someone waits to find their normal, the crazier they become, this is fact.

In conclusion:

- Fuck the STIGMA
- Everyone is a lil crazy
- You're NOT alone!

Get your normal back before it's too far gone.

Loves,

Jamie

Image Stole from FB. Author Unkown

Veterans Day

This is a day to reflect, a day when Veterans are remembered for their sacrifices and scars. I’m thankful for all those who stand by Veterans for those are the people that give them strength. Veterans don’t choose the wars they fight. The only choice they had was to make the decision to fight for the belief of our freedom.

When I enlisted (April 2003) I truly believed I was doing something good. We were fighting the bad guys and I had a chance to help. I hated the grunt aspect of being a Soldier, but I also loved it. As time grew, so did my love for the uniform and all others who were brave enough to put it on. The bond Soldiers share is the strongest bond one could comprehend. At any given moment you have to trust your life in the hands of those serving along side you, and in turn they must trust you. I see it as a human bond incomprehensible to those who haven’t served.

Of course my views are biased and based on an unfortunate past. I never experienced what a family was like, in the real sense of the word. The military and EDM scene were the only family I’d known. During war, and for the first time, I learned what a family is, or one with a bond I had never shared before.  As I write I can feel a deep ache in my chest, as if my heart were really sinking. I miss that bond and all those I shared it with.

With that said, today I’m struggling to find optimism. I don’t believe Soldiers are treated fairly or even humane. I believe the system has too many flaws and needs to be gutted.  “I used to know what we were fighting for, now I’m not so sure,” WWII Vet trying to see the memorial the day of the Gov. shutdown. Regardless of the system, I will always have the highest respect for those who have served. They are my family.

To my family:  Thank you, thank you for giving me something to cherish far beyond my comprehension. I love you all!