Procrastination or Anxiety? Likely a lot of both.

Tonight I should be diligently going through my journal from Iraq to produce “evidence” of my trauma from war. The evidence is for my VA claim. I feel as if there are two people living inside me. One says, “read the journal and knock this shit out”. The other, “I need a beer, to paint, a cigarette, run to Target, …”.  I’m pondering whether my anxiety mind is wining as I’m writing this post. Thus far I haven’t had a cigarette or a beer, but I am writing, even if it’s not the writing I NEED to do.

I feel as if my mind isn’t strong enough to read the journal yet, so I’ll write in my blog with hopes of getting through it in the near future. Actually, why don’t I post a couple journal entries here to knock out two (fake) birds with one stone?

17NOV2010 2145

As I get ready to crawl into bed, brushing my hair, I hear the dreadful alarm, “Incoming, incoming, incoming”; then the siren, then the C-RAM. I think again of what I might do if a mortar hits my CHU. Then I hear the loud bang (or pop) of the mortar going off. Was it the mortar, or the C-RAM hitting the mortar? The announcement goes off again, “there has been an indirect fire attack, I say again, there has been an indirect fire attack, remain under cover, remain under cover… command post out”. The announcement goes off several times.

BREAK

I’m now sobbing as I relive the fear… I check FB as a distraction and find myself responding to a friend re: their struggle with all this shit. What I say actually helps me: “Keep smiling sweetie, even if you have to force it”. As a woman of my own present words, I decide to force a smile on my face. I start to giggle at how ridiculous but necessary this all is.

02DEC2010 2300

Another sleepless night… The difficulty to this whole war game isn’t just the mortars or attacks, but also keeping your mind in check and distracted from the freedoms you miss. If you let the thoughts of enjoying your friends while sitting by a bonfire drinking a beer take hold of your mind, you will allow your weakness to take control. Embracing the experience and being strong enough to know it is only a matter of time before the tides change, is the true measure of your courage. Knowing your place here, and your place in the free world,… will change you.

BREAK

C-RAM

 

Okay, back to “real” work. *wink*

Thanks again for reading my blog. Stay tuned!