Loss of Femininity vs. Fear

Today was rough. I see through clearer lenses but lack acceptance. It’s standard military culture to brush off your demons like they don’t exist. We’re trained to believe our injuries aren’t really there. Not by some military manual, by the way we treat the idea of a free world. That at all costs our “duty” is to keep fighting against any sort of defeat. Turn the war channel off and you’re just like every other citizen but with a hypervigilant sense of reality. The fight is gone, so what’s left, flight?

There is no question that the war changed me. Understanding how has been the toughest war I’ve had to fight. My childhood no doubt plays a role in all this as more and more studies are connecting the dots between past trauma, war and PTSD.

I used to be like every other girl out there who enjoyed shopping with her girlfriends. Like men get together and do what ever it is they do, women get together to be girls. To find the perfect outfit and have your best friend excited about it more than you are, is just what we girls do. Or in my case, “did” as it’s now a thing of my past. The idea of going to the mall makes me shrink. I figured it was due to my change in view regarding commodities and the wastefulness of our free world, or that I somehow lost a part of my femininity. It was disheartening enough to feel less feminine, add the real reason and it’s even harder to digest. What really makes this female fun time now a daunting task is actually fear.

Crowded places make me extremely uneasy. I can’t stand someone walking behind me and have to quickly maneuver myself so as to be last in line. I hide this as best as I possibly can in front of friends. I’ll now go into a store and get the hell out as quickly as possible. My heart will race and I’ll start sweating if I force myself. I can’t go to family functions because they’re too crowded with people I don’t relate to. This uneasiness has grown worse with time. Today I learned why. Crowded places generate fear, fear of things that seem silly to most. Fear that everyone and everything is a potential danger, fear that turns on my lizard brain without me realizing it.

This all came to light when I was “forced” to stay in a store for an hour as part of my exposure therapy program. With exposure therapy you’re intentionally pushed past your comfort zone in an effort to move past the fear. I had no idea this affected me like it did until I felt I was being forced to do what endangered me. I started to panic and proceeded to take “flight”. I couldn’t stay in the store for more than 15 minutes. Taking a step back to understand this leaves me extremely confused and judgmental. How could I let this happen to me? Why can’t I shake this ridiculous fear?  I’m weak!

"You cannot change what you have not named, and you cannot name what you have not observed", unknown. I’m hopeful that this new understanding will guide me to acceptance. It doesn’t matter how many doctors diagnose me with PTSD (three so far), I still have a really hard time accepting it, validating it, validating myself. My resilience helps me remain hopeful and adamant on finding my new normal. I’m glad this all came into view today, now I just need to keep fighting and not flighting.

Until next time…