Don't Wait to Find Your Normal!

My close friends will tell you that I’ve busted my ass trying to get my life back, or get back to the normal I understood prior to Iraq. I started seeing a shrink within two months of coming home. Within those two months I had successfully spent more days at the bottom of a classy whiskey bottle than not. After several months of writing over a hundred resumes I had finally found a job. At this point drinking had become my medication. I could bust my ass all day at work because I knew I had a smooth glass of Templeton waiting for me at home. It seemed to be working. Friends tried to talk to me about it, but I just didn’t see it. To me, I was doing just fine.

About a year and a half after returning home I snapped; partially due to a crushing breakup, but mostly due to a lifetime of trauma. This is what I refer to as the onset of PTSD. While I had symptoms prior to this (flashbacks, hyperarousal, avoidance, etc.) they were usually masked with booze. During the “onset” I began to lose hope in any and everything. All I saw was a cruel world and I was in physical and emotional agonizing pain. I couldn’t focus. My mind turned into a cyclone of endless thoughts of sadness. The world became dark. *Not sure I’m ready to dive into that.

A year after the onset I had stopped drinking, stopped smoking, stopped trying to hide my problems and admit that life wasn’t peachy. With that grew more hurt and pain. I began to isolate myself, feeling very alone and angry. How could a person go through so much fucking pain and just bury it without eventually snapping? This is the current world I’m climbing out of.

I’ve been fighting through all my sadness, confusion, anxiety, and rage by constantly seeking innovative ways to “get better”. Books, holistic, EMDR, DBT, you name it. It took two years and a serious demand to finally see an othro surgeon for my back. After surgery I’m excited to be feeling 80-90% better. Still, that was two years of being in and out of excruciating back pain. Now, I’m going to start a 12 week outpatient program that focuses on intensive cognitive therapy of sorts. Where you face your demons in an effort to move past them. I have endless conflicting emotions about this:

1)   The last time I did this it was for 3 wks. Worked wonders but everyone just assumed it was because I was a drunk, not because I was suffering from serious depression and PTSD. STIGMA ruined any gains.

2)   I fight feeling “crazy”. “I don’t belong on the short bus, WTF am I doing!!?”

3)   I have to face the fact that I need to continue to bust my ass to find “normal”.

I filed my VA claim on May 7, 2013. Mind you, it took me two years to file the claim out of pride. This only hurt me further. It’s been 6 months and no word in sight re: my claim.  I’ve been out of work due to this for months now… What angers me is that I filed my claim to get help, not a hand out. I need the benefits now so that I can get better and NOT need the benefits later! Unfortunately, that’s not how the system works.

The main point I wanted to address here is that I had to demand help. The military sure as hell isn’t going to help you re: medical care, and if you want help at the VA you eventually learn the only way you get there is by putting your foot down and demanding it. The only way a veteran is going to get help is if they actively seek it on their behalf. They REALLY must WANT to get help and be proactive and resilient. The longer someone waits to find their normal, the crazier they become, this is fact.

In conclusion:

- Fuck the STIGMA
- Everyone is a lil crazy
- You're NOT alone!

Get your normal back before it's too far gone.

Loves,

Jamie

Image Stole from FB. Author Unkown