Thinking of you...

The holidays are tough for everyone. They’re especially tough for those struggling with an estranged family or PTSD, or both. Brainstorming the best way to reach out to those falling into the above categories has me searching endlessly for answers. I am by no means an expert but feel pretty well rounded on the topic and hope what follows helps, even if just a little.

Finding normalcy takes a really strong person. I’m not talking about normal, because I reject any sort of label, I’m talking about your individual normalcy. Your contentment and happiness are the most important aspects of your life, your normal. With the loaming reminders of what has you feeling melancholy around the holidays it’s important to reflect on who you are and what makes you smile. Whether it’s painting a masterpiece or confronting a longtime fear, we all share a desire to find contentment.

I had a pretty rough day and struggle to find peace. Still, I can’t let setbacks detour me from who I am or what I’m trying to achieve. There is no way I’d be here today if I let the small things get in the way of the big picture. After all, we’re only here for a short time. Who knows what’s beyond life. We all have our beliefs but none of us “know”, so it seems logical to embrace the here and now. To love, appreciate the small things, give and have hope. Is there anything else more important? I don’t believe there is.

While I could list a bunch of sources to seek help, I think it’s more important to remind you how much you’re loved. Even in your lowest point, you are always loved. I love you, but I doubt I’m the only one. When we get down it’s hard to see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. Yet it’s our responsibility to remain strong and seek help when we need it. Whether you write, paint or mix records… happiness is in arms reach. If you feel none of this makes sense, I beg you to reach out to me.

We are just one star in the galaxy. A tiny little planet struggling to feel connected. What’s ironic is that we all make up the whole of this planet and each of us are vital to the survival of the future, yet we still feel so distant from one another. We are all connected. We all share the present moment in this life. The one thing we tend to overlook is the exact thing that gives us peace.

I share your smiles and your tears. We all do.

You are never alone. Please reach out to me if you need. This blog is for you as much as it is for me.

Stay strong and smile. It really is worth it.

Love always,

Jamie

Thank You

The moment you accept what you’ve tried to avoid, is the moment you begin to grieve. When you’ve accepted your grief, you begin to see hope. When you begin to see hope, you can give your heart in its purest form. Never lose hope and always see love.

I’m truly taken back by the enormous amount of love and support I’ve received from friends and readers. You inspire me to remember my compassionate nature. You remind me that I’m not alone, that we are all never alone. Suffering can blind your soul from love. Yet I believe a person needs to love in order to live free. Love for yourself and love for everyone else. We all have strength, but we’re a hell of a lot stronger together.

Thank you for sharing your strength. 

Love and happiness,

~Jamie

What is PTSD?

Loss of Femininity vs. Fear

Today was rough. I see through clearer lenses but lack acceptance. It’s standard military culture to brush off your demons like they don’t exist. We’re trained to believe our injuries aren’t really there. Not by some military manual, by the way we treat the idea of a free world. That at all costs our “duty” is to keep fighting against any sort of defeat. Turn the war channel off and you’re just like every other citizen but with a hypervigilant sense of reality. The fight is gone, so what’s left, flight?

There is no question that the war changed me. Understanding how has been the toughest war I’ve had to fight. My childhood no doubt plays a role in all this as more and more studies are connecting the dots between past trauma, war and PTSD.

I used to be like every other girl out there who enjoyed shopping with her girlfriends. Like men get together and do what ever it is they do, women get together to be girls. To find the perfect outfit and have your best friend excited about it more than you are, is just what we girls do. Or in my case, “did” as it’s now a thing of my past. The idea of going to the mall makes me shrink. I figured it was due to my change in view regarding commodities and the wastefulness of our free world, or that I somehow lost a part of my femininity. It was disheartening enough to feel less feminine, add the real reason and it’s even harder to digest. What really makes this female fun time now a daunting task is actually fear.

Crowded places make me extremely uneasy. I can’t stand someone walking behind me and have to quickly maneuver myself so as to be last in line. I hide this as best as I possibly can in front of friends. I’ll now go into a store and get the hell out as quickly as possible. My heart will race and I’ll start sweating if I force myself. I can’t go to family functions because they’re too crowded with people I don’t relate to. This uneasiness has grown worse with time. Today I learned why. Crowded places generate fear, fear of things that seem silly to most. Fear that everyone and everything is a potential danger, fear that turns on my lizard brain without me realizing it.

This all came to light when I was “forced” to stay in a store for an hour as part of my exposure therapy program. With exposure therapy you’re intentionally pushed past your comfort zone in an effort to move past the fear. I had no idea this affected me like it did until I felt I was being forced to do what endangered me. I started to panic and proceeded to take “flight”. I couldn’t stay in the store for more than 15 minutes. Taking a step back to understand this leaves me extremely confused and judgmental. How could I let this happen to me? Why can’t I shake this ridiculous fear?  I’m weak!

"You cannot change what you have not named, and you cannot name what you have not observed", unknown. I’m hopeful that this new understanding will guide me to acceptance. It doesn’t matter how many doctors diagnose me with PTSD (three so far), I still have a really hard time accepting it, validating it, validating myself. My resilience helps me remain hopeful and adamant on finding my new normal. I’m glad this all came into view today, now I just need to keep fighting and not flighting.

Until next time…

Courage - Keep fighting the good fight

I struggle to keep writing in this blog. While I have received positive feedback, I have also received cold shoulders. Getting sad or putting myself down due to unsettling feedback is non-sense. If I stopped being who I am by hiding my experiences, I’d be completely lost. I refuse to keep my mouth shut for the sake of someone else’s sheltered conformity.

My first week in the 12 week Journey’s program at the VA was pretty tough. Still apprehensive on whether this trauma focused program will do what I need it to:overcome. It’s more apparent now that many of my quirks and bad traits are a result of my past traumas. I’m doing my best to force smiles but I fear many can see through them. The courage that got me this far is tapping my shoulder to remind me why I’m writing in the first place. I’m writing with the intent to help others find their courage, and to continue finding mine.

I’ve decided I’m going to share my experience in the 12 week trauma focused Journey’s program here on my blog. So far my notes consist of tools to keep me grounded.

Week One Notes/Tools:

*Pay attention to internal and external observations.

*Stop judging your emotions

*TIP Skills for interpreting anxiety mind

Temperature (cold water/ice on your eyes invokes a divers response and slows your heart rate).

Intense Exercise – (I miss running and working out more than I ever thought I would. Don’t take things for granted)

Paced breathing (put your diaphragm into it)

*Growing up in an unsupportive environment with traumas will exaggerate your Monkey Mind (lizard brain).

*Mindfulness Skills:

            -Observe (be like teflon and let it slide off)

            -Describe (put words on the experience)

            -Participate (become one with the experience)

*Depression is a mood; sadness is the emotion

*Judging – can be good and bad; using either can flaw the reality you see re: the thing being judged.

When you’re not living in the present, you’re missing out on life. Live in the moment!

             *Acknowledge your accomplishments

5 Choices to react to a situation:

            1) Change the situation (interpersonal skills)

            2) Change how you feel (emotion regulation)

            3) Radical Acceptance (accept rather than approving or liking)

            4) Stay Miserable (complaining and ruminating)

            5) Make things worse

*A group member referred to their PTSD as The Hulk, “lil green monster”– this gave me a good chuckle.

The core of this trauma-focused program is judgment:

            *Less judgment = more success

            * Stick to the FACTS = less judgment = less hyperarousal = win

*Dear Man is a concept on how to see situations in a better light:

             Describe – ONLY facts

             Express – how “I” feel

             Assert – what you want or say NO

             Reinforce – pat on the back, rewards

             Mindful – focus on your goals and maintain your position, don’t get

              distracted,  don’t get off topic

             Appear Confident – use confident voice and stay in the present

             Negotiate – be willing to give to get

The notes for week one don’t stop here, but I wanted to highlight the top discussions. These tools can be useful for everyday life. As I continue writing, I’ll do my best to keep this blog interesting and informative. Please don’t be shy if you would like me to elaborate personally.

Keep fighting the good fight, while smiling!

Thanks again for reading! Until next time…

The Army, the VA and My Life

A lot of friends have asked what is going on with the VA/Army. It’s hard to explain but I’ll do my best here.

There are two separate entities I’m battling with, the Army and the VA. I gave over 10 years of distinguished service to the Army. Upon returning from Iraq I started to show signs of PTSD. In November of last year I snapped and I call this the major onset of PTSD. It sent me into a constant state of hyperarousal and I “lost it” during an Army drill weekend. All parties determined I shouldn’t go to drills due to this. As such, I requested a medical evaluation board (MEB) this past summer. I’m still waiting to hear when my MEB will take place. The MEB will determine if I’m “fit for duty” to keep serving. Unfortunately, I am not. Being around the military sends me into all kinds of panic, aka triggers. This is documented at the VA. In the meantime, I have requested various forms of help from the Army. Last night I received an email that said: NO!; on all accounts that the Army will not be helping me over this hurdle and I should start going back to drills. Still no word on my MEB.

While all that is going on I continue to be aggressive in seeking treatment at the VA. Dealing with the VA is in itself two separate entities: one is for treatment and the other for compensation. I started seeing the VA for my back pain within 4 months of coming home and mental health within 6 months of coming home. It took two years for the VA to do anything significant about my back and at least a year to be diagnosed with PTSD. I filed my VA compensation claim as soon as I noticed my work performance was diminishing and I realized I did in fact suffer from PTSD. Well, that was several months ago. The VA didn’t look at my file until November (six months after I filed). This whole time I’ve been proactive in “getting help”. Still, my symptoms have worsened and I’ve struggled to maintain any form of normalcy.

So, not only is the Army fighting against me, the VA has dragged their feet. I’m fighting two wars, one with the Army and one with the VA. Although, recent efforts look promising for the processing of my claim with the VA, so I remain hopeful. Fingers crossed.

The War At Home is in full swing but I carry on as much as I possibly can. I’ve isolated myself more and more and find my symptoms getting worse. I stopped being a drunk early this year and have taken various steps to stay healthy. I’ve been aggressive and resilient in learning this new normal but have been fighting the war alone. These are the things I’m up against: lack of any help with the Army, the VA waiting too long to give me proper care, and waiting many moons to receive any financial help from the VA.

Hope this helped ease the confusion. As always, thanks for reading!

<3 Jamie